Beans

“What would you know about them, kid?”

“Uh… Know about what?” I hate it when strangers talk to me. I’m only a block away from home!

“Beans, kid. Are they a fruit or a vegetable? Healthy or unhealthy? Tasty or delicious?”

“I—I’m just trying to get home from school dude, I don’t know what—”

“Listen to this, beans are one with the earth, untainted by the curse of man. Sure, humans grow them, but that’s only because they want us to think that we have control. We put them in cans, boil them, stew them, steam them, even eat them, but they always come back. There’s no escape from their eternal reign.”

“Uh…”

“The soil they touch is rich in nutrients, not because of the land itself, but the beans absorb the power of the earth and return it twofold! What creature on this planet can do that, huh!? Definitely not humans. Us vile creatures try to taint the name of the bean as if it’s some typical confectionary. It has more uses than we can imagine.”

“But beans taste good though.”

“Fool! They’re more than a worthless bite! They’re more efficient than fossil fuels. Oil, coal, more worthy than gold even. Children like you need to understand how much power they hold within this world. Your life is worth nothing in comparison. To think that human evolution can come so far, only to start regressing so fast.”

“I’m ten.”

“Irrelevant. At the tender age of sixty-four, I can comprehend the significance of mothers nature’s finest creation. An imbecile like you should be leagues above my comprehension, but you’re not. You’re weak, and that’s all you’ll ever be.”

“I don’t think a lot of people would describe ten-year-olds to be strong. And if I’m weak, how so? Mentally, physically—”

“Oh, now you want to be all smart! What’re they even teaching you kids in school, huh!? I bet it’s all about history, and a bunch of people that have nothing to do with the world’s finest fruit!”

“Isn’t a vegetable?”

“It’s kids like you that make this world a terrible place. Take this, you’ll go far with it.” The man tosses me a can, not knowing what else to do, I catch it. Where was he even keeping it?

“Pasty Pastures top-notch baked beans. They’ll take you far kid.”

“Uck! I don’t want your pasty beans, freak!” With the might of a frightened child, I chuck the can at his bald head, a satisfying bonk clinking off his skull. I make a break for it as fast as I can, determined to make it home, away from that bean weirdo.

These creeps are starting to get bold. He did all of that in broad daylight. I need to convince my mom to let me carry a protective fork around. Not as dangerous as a knife, but lethal enough to be a weapon. It’s better than throwing weird cans at old men, that’s for sure.

“Mom, do you know what’s going on in this neighborhood?”

“I never have and I never will,” My mom responds, digging into her bag of kale.

“Some crazy old guy ran at me talking about beans. Do you know anything about that?”

“Beans? What kind of beans?”

“I don’t know,” I yell, tossing my bag on the floor. “There are some weird people walking the streets nowadays.”

“You do realize that there’s always been weirdos walking the streets, right? Some of them know how to keep their heads down. Like people that cereal with juice, or people past twenty-one that have never tried alcohol before. They understand how disturbed they really are.” She takes a lump of kale out of the zip-lock bag, shoving what she can into her mouth.

“Who would eat cereal with juice?”

“Egxltly.”

“What?” She puts a finger up, chewing as hard as she can.

“Egg… Exactly. You never hear from them because they keep it to themselves. It allows for society to go on as ordered, but there are those that wish to disrupt that order. People like that old man.

“That old dude was way different. People that eat juice cereal wouldn’t try and attack a child, and someone doesn’t want to drink, then they don’t have to.”

“That’s what they want you to think. What’s the key ingredient in cereal?”

“I don’t know. Uh… sugar I guess?”

“Precisely! And how much sugar is in juice and cereal?”

“A lot…”

“Correct! And what happens when you eat too much sugar?”

“You get a sugar rush.”

“Egg—xactly! That’s what they do to fuel themselves to disrupt the order. Some will do it for the thrill, but there are those that use the power to carry out their evil deeds. Deeds that go against the very principles of humanity.”

“Like what…?”

“You eat sugar, get a sugar rush, you’re hyper, full of energy, enough energy to power the insecure thoughts that run rampant inside of your mind! What do people do with those insecure thoughts you ask? Well, they act on them, which brings us to your encounter with the sugary kind. I know for a fact that he was one of them.”

“You’re saying that the bean guy was high off sugar?”

“He wasn’t high off of it, no—no, that’d be too reasonable for him, he was one with his sick ways.

“One?”           

“One! So the moral of the story, there have always been creeps lurking the streets, you just need to know how to fend them off, or steer clear of them entirely.”

“Uh-huh… You do realize I was being serious, right?”

“I know, don’t worry. I’ll be reporting the incident at the neighborhood watch meeting tomorrow.”

“Okay good, I thought you were consumed by the sugar for a second.”

“No. I eat kale. Do you want some?”

“No, I bet that mind controls you too.”

Book Club Comedy TREMG news Uncategorized

Alexander Richardson View All →

Hi! I post on this website for a chance to share my stories with the world. I’ve been writing for the past 6 years, learning more about creative writing to better my writing skills. My hope is to make a lot of friends here and grow as a writer. Feel free to reach out to me if you’d like.
Instagram: alexander45678901
Discord: PancakeMan#9345

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