Some years drip with glamour and gold. Others… persist. And persist.
2025 was the latter—a marathon of news cycles that felt less like a sprint and more like a slow, bewildering stroll through a hall of funhouse mirrors, largely curated by Donald Trump’s daily Tang tantrums. By June, we seriously considered taking up interpretive dance or competitive napping as a coping mechanism. Instead, we found solace in a fresh vape pen and in chronicling the chaos with a series of very pointed, slightly unhinged nods.
So, without further delay, we dust off our readers and unfurl the scroll for the inaugural — and, frankly, necessary — Culture Clap Awards. Join us as we gently applaud (and throw a bit of shade) the sh*tnanigans and famewhores that truly defined our collective 2025 experience. In no particular order, let the clapping and clapbacks… commence!
Carrie Underwood at Trump’s Inauguration
Now we have to lump #KKKarrieUnderTheHood with all the other celebrities that are at a career crosswords (read: downward spiral) and need a way to stay relevant and get a check.
Enter #KKKarrie.
Enter MAGA.
Poor, #KKKarrie. She knew Beyoncé was about to steal the country spotlight in 2025, so she knew she had to do something.
But this?
When Trump called her up to perform at his inauguration, instead of leaving that orange bastard on read, #KKKarrie picked up the phone and agreed to ruin her own career. The performance was so famously terrible that Joe Biden became a reluctant background singer – a fresh dish of sonic f*ckery that we’ll cherish forever.
We hope her bank account recovers!
The ‘Culture Clocker’ Award: TS Madison
When it’s time to roast?
Let’em cook, b*tch!
TS Madison has been in the game and we still don’t understand why some even try it, but yet here we are!
TS Madison continues to do what few will: exist loudly and in your face, authentically, and without apology—and then drag into the catacombs anyone foolish enough to try it or her. Whether it’s on TV, at the movies, on her podcast, or in the culture at large, Madison makes headlines by standing ten toes down in her truth and reading raggedy-ass behavior for filth with wit, confidence, and nary an ounce of fear.
In a media landscape where respectability politics still try to box trans women in, TS Madison is the necessary counterpoint. She doesn’t pander. She could give a f*ck about making all of her thick, svelte self small in order for the dregs to feel comfortable. She doesn’t throw her community under the bus for proximity to power. Instead, she shows up real, funny, sharp, and unbothered, reminding everyone that visibility without integrity is empty. She is schooling the girls AND the gorls.
And when people come for her? She doesn’t flinch — she gathers her notes, educates herself, and then claps back with the strength of Hera herself in her throat. And then, just as quickly as she has dragged you into the ever after, she keeps it pushing, all while building a career that’s entirely on her own terms. Who else will tell you to kiss her glorious tittyballs AND suck her d*ck?
That’s our Maddy, baybeeeee!
So yes — in a world where Caitlyn Jenner still deigns to breathe air? Be a goddamn, muthaf*ckin’, TS Madison as if your life depended on it. Because in 2026?
It just might!
Be like Maddy…
Unbought.
Unbossed.
Unapologetic.
Clock it!
Katy Perry Goes to Space
As soon as we heard about this, we were like…
“Can y’all keep her ass up there? And take a few more of these poptrixxx with ya!”
Katy Perry went to “space” on Apr. 14, for 10 seconds. As soon as she landed, she flopped her perky and admittedly glorious tittyballs on none other than that Canadian himbo, Justin Trudeau. He tried to keep everything under wraps for a few seconds, but once Katy popped her p*ss, they were soon displaying their lust/love/PR stunt for the paparazzi.
We don’t care if it lasts or not.
She’ll be on to the next before Mariah Carey’s next un-thawing. But for now?
Giiiiiirl, BYE!
No, really, girl.
Bye!
Like leave us alone. Go f*ck Justin TrudHEAUX!
The ‘Billionaire Girls Club’ Award: Beyoncé
We could have sworn we saw some of y’all selling your firstborn child for tickets to see The Queen this past year. Was being homeless really worth seeing Bey in action?
Apparently so, because not only did she make MAGA dry heave with her Album of the Year Grammy award, she did so with a country recording that made Lindsey Graham choke on his dildo. And now that Forbes has officially named Beyonce a billionaire, you all can settle down and save your coins until the next album release in 2026.
Yes, next year! That’s our prediction. So, get ready to rock out!
The ‘Great Gowns, Beautiful Gowns’ Award: Taylor Swift
This year, Taylor Swift did something with a football player. His name is Travis Kelce and she de-seasoned that man within an inch of his white existence. Who’s ready for knocked up poptrixxx in late 2026? Don’t be surprised if her next release is a babything.
OK, next!
The ‘Heaux of the Year’ Award: Jonathan Bailey
For the celebrity who collectively took us all on a slutty little ride throughout the year…
Just as Pedro Pascal was getting comfortable being the internet’s daddy, Jonathan Bailey sashayed in from the sidelines, snatched the baton, and has yet to let anyone else hold it.
How dare he?
How rude?
But?
Carry on!
We don’t know what took Hollywood so long to jump on this train, but now the entire world wants to see the caboose.
And the red carpet looks.
And his thighs.
And his damn glasses!
For all of the impressive CGI and visual effects in ‘Jurassic World: Rebirth’, the thing that was the thing? If you thought it would be Scarlett Johansson and her glorious tittyballs, you’d be incorrect.
Bailey-boy’s now iconic, slutty little glasses took the top prize this year. But the viral spectacles were just one step on the staircase to Bailey’s superstardom this year. With the release of ‘Wicked: For Good’, he became the highest-grossing actor at the box office and an official panty pudding popper for the boys and the girls. Jonathan is into kink, we just know it!
And, in a rare moment of taste after a few spotty years with questionable winners, he was named People magazine’s ‘Sexiest Man Alive’. He’s the first gay actor to receive that honor, and the first gay actor to be a bona fide blockbuster male lead. As in ever.
Yes, it took until 2025 for this to happen. Get ready, world. We’re about three summers away from finding out how a new superhero can eat bootyhole and lick *meow* to perfection in 5 4 3 2…
The Coldplay Cam Kiss Trixxx
File this one under ‘Sloppy Sluts’.
These two definitely don’t know the art of discretion. In a damn stadium with cameras everywhere?
Really?
They must have passed at least five empty alleys on the way to the stadium!
Amateurs.
But we digress…
A man and a woman who were cuddling at a Coldplay concert were put on camera, and, when they realized it, immediately ran away and hid, leading frontman Chris Martin to joke that they were having an affair. Internet busybodies immediately revealed the tea of all Tetleys: that they were a CEO and HR director of a tech company, and seemingly both married…to other people. When is this series coming to Netflix?!
The ‘Hot Mess/Must-See’ Award: ‘The Hunting Wives’
TV got a slutty injection this summer with the debut of ‘The Hunting Wives’.
And we must admit that we were very hesitant to watch it, because the trailers looked so tacky. But then the streets started talking, and we caved in and binged it. Malin Ackerman has finally given us what we want: slutty tales, perky nipples, a bit of KANK, and a cast ready to show us all their holes.
And unlike ‘And Just Like That’, this series knows exactly who is watching and makes a gorgeous mess each week that keeps us wanting more. There’s plenty of nudity, wigs, and sexual deviancy in this show to satisfy just about every predilection. May the Lord bless us with at least 17 seasons of this hot mess must-see.
The ‘Return to Penis’ Award: JoJo Siwa
For the poptrixxx who straddle their sexuality and keep us all in loops…
After months of rumors, JoJo Siwa officially went public with her relationship with Chris Hughes—because of course she has. The two booty bonded on ‘Celebrity Big Brother UK’ Season 24, where their “just friends” chemistry had everyone squinting at the screen like, “mmmhmm, sure, Jan.” At the time, JoJo was dating Australian influencer Kath Ebbs, but if there’s one thing we know about JoJo, it’s that she treats labels, vibes, and relationships like a Spotify playlist — always subject to change. JoJo doesn’t pivot, she pirouettes. JoJo flips more than a Russian gymnast during the Cold War, but we love to see it. Keep on floppin’, girl!
The ‘Intermission of F*ckery’ Award: Jeff Bezos & Lauren Sanchez
They aren’t content to just hijack Hollywood. These two took over Italy for the tackiest wedding ever for a couple this rich. Shame on them. You can buy a yacht, an island, a small country, but not a decent stylist?
Chiiiiiiiile!
The ‘When Bad Fashion Happens To Good People’ Award: Labubu
You sluts are loca for Labubu and we don’t see it.
In further proof that the world will always set aside a bit of cash to purchase the most ridiculous things and then eat Ramen for two weeks, Labubu mania swept the entire f*ckin’ world. We saw those ugly demons attached to purses all over the world. And a Labubu movie is in development. WTF?! Whoever made this a thing (and allegedly, it was Kim Kardashian herself) should be sh*t and then st*bbed within an inch of their store-bought assballs.
Bye!
Beyoncé Does Country, Pisses Off C*nts
Beyoncé gets two mentions here. And why? Because she’s Beyoncé. Duh!
Beyoncé was an event this year!
Though Beyoncé has racked up more Grammys than any music artist ever, she had never won the Grammy for Album of the Year. The oversight was so glaring that her husband, Jay-Z, fired verbal slaps the Recording Academy at the 2024 show for having never recognized her. But at the 67th Annual Grammy Awards in February, Beyonce won for her Cowboy Carter — a move that quieted the Beyhive.
The Heist at the Louvre
The Louvre can’t afford Brinks? Cheap bastards!
Sacré bleu! In October, a gang of thieves dressed as workers in bright vests and wielding power tools broke through the world’s most trafficked museum in broad daylight on a Sunday and stole $102 million worth of valuable jewelry—including a tiara and brooch belonging to Empress Eugénie, wife of Napoleon III, and an emerald necklace and a pair of emerald earrings from Empress Marie Louise. How could this sh*t happen, you may ask?
Let’s start with the password for the security system being – “Louvre.”
Fire the person who decided on this ASAP!
The robbers were also able to make a quick getaway via electric scooters. By late November, four men, all part of a criminal gang, had been arrested for the crime. However, as of press time, the jewels had yet to be recovered.
The ‘#SaltineOfSorcery’ Award: Sydney Sweeney
We’re sure Sydney can’t wait for ‘Euphoria’ to return to television so she can ride off of Zendaya’s coattails. She’s gonna need a hit to tack onto her resume after these floppity flops she’s been thrusting upon us throughout 2025. We don’t know what the hell is up with her jeans, but we do know an untalented trick when we see one. BYE!
“Sydney Sweeney has great jeans.” So said the tagline for an American Eagle advert in July that featured the ‘Euphoria’ actress dressed head to toe in denim.
Depending on your viewpoint, this was either a fun piece of wordplay in a harmless clothing advert, or a dog whistle for MAGA. Instead of clarifying the ad, Sweeney stayed mum on the topic.
The publicity generated by the fallout duly prompted the company’s sales to skyrocket. Sadly for Sweeney, it didn’t result in a similar surge for her next film at the box office. Sydney later ran to the media (after her PR team threw her on the red carpet with hair crispier than titanium and several of her movies flopped) with a statement that she “does not support the views some people chose to connect to the campaign”, adding: “I did it because I love the jeans and love the brand.”
We hope latching on to Scooter Braun can salvage what’s left of your alleged career.
Girl, BYE!
The ‘Petty PopTrixxx’ Award: Lily Allen
Lily clinches the award this year for her public dragging of her husband, actor David Harbour. By taking the baton from fellow poptrick Taylor Swift, Lily proved that she too can turn her heartache into a top single.
Lily Allen’s ‘West End Girl’ became the most talked about album of the year, thanks to its detailed description of the events that led to her divorce from ‘Stranger Things’ actor David Harbour. Sample lyric, about setting the terms of an open relationship: “We had an arrangement / Be discreet and don’t be shameless / There had to be payment / It had to be with strangers.”
The tea in the UK is hot hot HOT!
We dare you to sip!
The ‘Famewhore of the Year’ Award: Timothée Chalamet
Much to Kim Kardashian and her 17 asses chagrin’, ‘Famewhore of the Year’ honors have been awarded to Chalamet, who managed to be in our brain matter somehow, some way every day of 2025.
How DARE he?!
But we should have expected this considering his latest piece is none other than Kylie Jenner, a woman who comes from a family of supreme famewhores. Have they shown Timmy the way in 2025?
You know good and goddamn well Kris Jenner is on the case! Timmy has been shaking his moneymaker all over the world! Take his UK invasion, for instance…
There was much speculation over EsDeeKid – a Liverpool rapper who shot to fame this year but keeps his face hidden under a balaclava, bandana or mask. Some fans suggested the rapper was possibly Timothée, who played along with the mystique when asked about it in interviews for ‘Marty Supreme’, his latest Oscar bait. On his next visit to London, Chalamet broke off from the red carpets and chat show sofas to meet the drill star, and the pair collaborated in a music video filmed outside a Finsbury Park off-licence. Now still on a promo tour for his new movie, don’t be shocked if he ups the ante as the Oscar race heats up in early 2026.
The ‘Best Actress’ Award: Kim Kardashian
We laughed even typing that lie!
Kim Kardashian’s legal series ‘All’s Fair’ may have been dubbed “the worst TV drama ever”, but do you think that would stop someone famous for merely existing?
Never!
As the world trashed her acting, Kardashian made light of the bad reviews by using them to promote the series, which was promptly recommissioned. Although many have suggested that Kim floated a check to Hulu for season 2, we don’t care. Those other actresses can use those checks to avoid another Tyler Perry movie. Yes, Glenn, that means you and yo’ nappy p*ssy!
The ‘Viable Vajay-jay’ Award: Gisele Bündchen
Gisele refused to wait a minute longer as her baby fever reached a thunderous pitch. So, out with Tom Brady and in with Joaquim Valente, who promptly sperminated Gisele and gave her what Brady couldn’t leave the football field for a few minutes to do. At 40-plus, Gisele proved that women can have it all and look good while doing it too!
The Womb Raider Award: Elon Musk
This Valentine’s Day, the flowers came with a Form W-9. Influencer Ashley St. Clair used the occasion to announce her babything was fathered by Elon Musk. Weeks of public negotiations ensued, culminating in Elon’s now-infamous declaration: “I don’t know if the child is mine or not,” but he’d already paid her $2.5 million with a side of $500k per year just to find out. Now who do you know that pays that much upfront before Maury determines who the parents are?!
This spectacle proves a simple economic principle: there is a non-zero number of white women who will gladly lie down with a tech-bro Midas if the payout includes commas. While the rest of us wonder about paternity tests, they’ve already secured the generational wealth test. And in related news, Musk and Neuralink exec Shivon Zilis quietly welcomed his 14th child, because at this rate, why not just start a colony?
The ‘Suck My C*ck, Corporate!’ Award: Jimmy Kimmel
Kimmel basically said what half of America has been saying in these streets since January, but he just has a bigger bullhorn. In a year where his biggest headline was a brief, controversial suspension for mocking a right-wing commentator, Jimmy Kimmel ultimately got the last laugh on Trump’s orbit. The network’s swift retreat under public pressure, followed by a lucrative contract extension, proved that in the battle between late-night satire and pro-Trump grievance, the punchline—and the power—still rests with the comedian.
The ‘It Girl’ Award: Pamela Anderson
In 2025, Pamela Anderson entered the zeitgeist — again.
She silenced every critic and rewrote her own narrative with pure, unadulterated talent. Without a stitch of makeup, she earned her first-ever Golden Globe nomination for her critically acclaimed dramatic turn in ‘The Last Showgirl’, proving her depth was always more than skin deep. She then pivoted back to her comedic roots, starring opposite Liam Neeson in ‘The Naked Gun’ reboot, all while sparking and gracefully confirming a headline-making romance. Pamela wasn’t just having a moment; she was making power moves on her own terms. Put some respect on her name!
Goodbye 2025, Hello 2026!
And that’s a wrap on the 2025 Culture Clap Awards! We’ve roasted the sellouts, toasted the icons, and dished the tea piping hot. We’re already sharpening our pens and charging our mics for 2026, ready to tackle whatever the new year throws at us with the same fearless, fabulous, and ferocious joie de vivre. So, tell all your friends, hit that follow, and stay tuned.
See ya—and the chaos you bring—in 2026! ✨
