If you’re like me, “confidence” and “weight” being inseparably intertwined in weight loss bullshit makes you angrier than a cop politely asked to stop shooting minorities for sport. Yeah, I’m fat. I also like myself. I’m cute as hell and my artistic skills are better than yours. I also don’t give a shit about my health. All my life, dying has appealed to me, and I only stopped wanting to die a few years back. I mean, come on. Who wouldn’t want to die when they had the unfortunate luck of being born into a world like this? But I loved myself too much to pull the trigger, even if it would put an end to this headache, and so I kept on living and getting fatter and fatter and, lemme tell ya, it’s inconvenient. Am I cute? Yeah! Am I otherwise in good health due to my non-smoking, non-drinking lifestyle? Yeah! Are stairs a pain in my ample, thicc ass? YEAH!
Because of that, I do want to get fit. Maybe you do, too, but doing so feels like giving in to those hateful assholes who see you as less of a person and you don’t want to let them win. Maybe you’re okay with dying, too, so your health doesn’t mean jack shit to you. I get it! Don’t worry! So here I am, my thighs so warm and soft that they function as earmuffs and large enough to hold six kittens comfortably, giving you reasons to do what you already want to do.
- Stairs. Like I said, stairs are a bastard. Whether you’re a skinny little thing who doesn’t get out much or a big ol’ person like myself, it sucks climbing stairs. I distinctly remember not being able to keep up with a guy who wanted to eat at a cafe to study for our history test back in college…hang on…was he asking me on a date? Was that a date? Ah, an article for another day. Point is, I was heaving and wheezing worse than a decade old laptop running a game at 60 fps. It sucked. Stairs suck. I’d like to get buff so I could run up them fuckers like Rocky.
- Protecting Women. Admittedly, this one would involve getting Muscle Fit, which is exactly what I want to do, and maybe you want to as well! While muscles aren’t always healthy (fun fact: muscular bodies that are hard instead of a little soft are dehydrated and Aquaman is suffering in that poster), turning your noodle or gelatin arms into glistening fish lifters can bring a sense of safety to the women you hang out with. I’d like to be buff enough to go and sit at a bar and just radiate Safety Energy towards all the women in there and I’ll Kill You energy to all the guys even considering roofying anyone. What can I say? Sisterhood.
- Getting Around Easier. This one’s just for my fellow Big Peeps, so if you’re skinny, move on to number 4. Aight look. I HATE the way busses are made. I hate how everything is so damned close together. It’s inconvenient for everyone involved! If you live in a big city, you’re likely navigating through crowds, too! Either getting slender or putting on lean muscle would probably make at least one of those things easier. Would it? I dunno man I live in the sticks. Worth a shot, though!
- Making Your Bed. If at the end of putting a sheet on your mattress you flop around like an eel or heave like a tired bear, getting fit is worth it. No, I’m serious. Why the fuck not? Getting tired at simple tasks is the pits! I have to sit down when I garden so I can enjoy it. You know how inconvenient that is for my plants? Slightly! Might as well build my stamina so I can garden more.
- Organ Donation. Again, this one’s for the big peeps, so if you’re skinny, move right along. Okay, so I recently found out that you can’t be a living donor if you’re obese, and they won’t take your organs when you’re dead if you’re obese, either. Bruh. People need organs so, so bad. There’s big long waiting lists for a reason. What if your favorite family member needs part of your liver and the schmucks running the joint won’t let you give part of yours because you’re thiccer than a bowl of oatmeal? It’s bogus, dude! But it’s the system we find ourselves in. Unless you have the power to change the system, you are doomed to play by its rules, and so, with bitterness against the American Healthcare System in my heart and fire in my veins, I give you my personal best reason to lose weight–organ donation. I say “lose weight” instead of “get fit” because, for number 5 only, I’m focusing solely on weight rather than fitness (since, as we’ve seen through obese gymnasts tearing it UP, the two aren’t interchangeable and don’t mean the same thing.) Want to be scrapped for parts like me after you’ve been freed from this never-ending nightmare we call existence? Well, there’s your reason to lose weight. It’s perfect.
- Inspire Someone Else. Did you know I have a brother? Up until just recently, the two of us have lived the exact same lifestyle–sedentary videogame lovers who hate the outdoors. Here’s the real kick in the coochie: while I’m obese, he’s underweight. Same food, same hobbies, same activity level. Metabolism and genetics play a much larger role than anyone wants to admit. He hates being so skinny, so what did he start doing? The little shit starts jogging. My brother, the guy who got me into Minecraft and the guy I got into anime, is out there jogging almost every day because he wants to get in shape. I knew the guy the day he was born. He’s never been the type to do something like that. At least, not until now. My wonderful toothpick sibling is out there doing the thing I hate most because his friend started doing it, and it’s honestly inspiring. If he can do it, I can get back to using my weight set I bought a few years back and finally, finally get those sweet sweet punchin’ muscles. Maybe there’s someone in your life who wants to get more stamina, more muscle, or wants to trim down so they can donate part of their liver to someone who needs it. Well, this is the best reason for you skinny folk out there and the second best reason for my big peeps. We are made better through the actions of those around us. If you don’t care about yourself (like me), you can at least find purpose in helping to inspire someone else.
I believe in you.