I cried for the first time since being in quarantine today. It took me less than two months to finally break down and let all of my innermost thoughts and emotions out.
And you know what? It felt really great.
It felt so good to let myself be vulnerable. To allow myself to feel something other than the utter numbness I go through every single day just to get through. Because when the days start to blend all into one it’s hard to want to keep going.
I would be lying if I said I was doing a good job at coping during this unpredictable and scary time. And to be honest, I’m okay with that. Because how else are you suppose to cope with your world being flipped upside down? How can you be expected to go about your day when nothing is how it used to be?
I’ve seen a lot of different opinions on how it’s best to spend your time while in quarantine. Some say you shouldn’t waste this time and spend it maybe taking up a new hobby or acquiring a new skill. While others say it’s better to take this time to put a pause on any plans you had and just relax and unwind.
I can’t tell you how to cope, because I can’t even tell myself how to do it. I can go and have a great weekend and then I’ll spend that following week hating myself for not being able to get any work done. I have days where I’m so productive only to not be able to get out of bed the next day.
It doesn’t help when we’re so easily influenced by other people. Seeing how they’re doing and constantly scrolling through social media. But here’s the thing, no one has it altogether right now. No one knows what the hell they’re doing and as much as we want to stay positive and happy, that’s not reality.
I’ve done a very good job at keeping it together. So good that it scares me actually. But to be honest, I’m not doing as well as I show in pictures on Instagram, the uplifting messages I send to friends, the sarcastic and witty tweets I post on Twitter, the funny memes I post on Facebook, or the conversations on the phone with my mom that I try my hardest not to cry.
But you wouldn’t know that, and that’s even scarier to think. To think we spend our days being fake happy and for what? Because it’s not to benefit ourselves, if anything it’s only hurting us.
So, go ahead and cry. Go ahead and allow yourself to have a bad day or a day where you spend for yourself however that may be. If the only thing you did today was make your bed than you’re doing okay. Trust me.
Today I finally cried over everything. Over the fact that I’m currently not working right now. Over how I for once in my twenty-five years of living don’t have a set schedule or even a plan for anything. Over not getting to see my friends and family. Over not being able to walk my graduation. Over not being able to go to concerts. Over the fact that I can’t seem to get anything done no matter how much I try to. Over the fear that I don’t know when this will end or if it will be soon.
I think we need to remind ourselves that we’re human and it’s okay right now to feel lost and confused about things. Nothing is normal and trying to continue the way things were before all of this happened isn’t possible and shouldn’t have to be.
If I can tell you one thing to do during this time it’s to find it somewhere inside of you to congratulate yourself. Because you’re still waking up everyday and maybe you don’t know what you’re doing or if you see the point in it. But you’re allowing yourself to be here and be present, and that’s all that matters.
Please don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re coping, however that may be. And I’m proud of you.