I used to be a perfectionist. I used to believe that everything had to be in a certain place no matter what. Everything in my life had to be lined up perfectly and there couldn’t be any faults or missing pieces. I did such a good job at never faltering, that I didn’t realize I messed up on one important aspect in my life along the way: relationships.
To say I was a late bloomer would be an understatement, I was just someone who didn’t have any need for a relationship at the time. Sure, I had crushes I would ponder over and write our initials together with a heart around them in my journals. But, when it came to actually doing something about it, I could never make it to the next step.
Most of my early relationships didn’t go any further than the texts we exchanged and conversations we’d have at each others lockers or together with our hands intertwined walking to our respective buses once the school bell rang. And I thought for a while that that was all I needed in order to make me happy. But then eventually we’d go our separate ways with only a few tears shed and the memories locked away forever.
Lately I’ve been doing this thing where I find enjoyment in looking up my old exes. To see how they’re doing and honestly, if they’re doing better without me in their life anymore. What I saw unfortunately was for the most part, they were doing better without me. In fact, they look a lot happier. Some are in long-term relationships, engaged, and even married. And as much as I want to root for them and wish them a great life, the monster in me can’t seem to quite make it there.
Now, I can say that I’m doing better without most of the guys that have come and gone in my life. I’ve found such contentment where I am right now that it took years for me to get to. But it got me thinking about why I could never make things work with any of them, past and present.
For a while I used to blame my exes for not being able to make it work with me. I gave myself permission to feel sorry for myself and tell myself that they were the problem and that I was doing nothing wrong. But then I got this thought in my head that maybe I was the problem. That I’m the person who will always be their option, but never the choice.
You know the saying: always the bridesmaid, never the bride. Well, that’s how I’ve been seeing my love life go lately. Sometimes I feel like I’m the person a guy dates until they meet their forever, their soulmate. I’m the one they get to test drive and use until they find their lasting one.
But when do I get my happy ending? When do I become more than just a body to someone or convenience? When will someone look at me and see me as their choice?
I’m tired of hanging onto someone because I’m afraid of them letting me go even though they aren’t giving me anything that’s worth holding onto. I’m tired of going back to someone who can’t make up their mind. I’m tired of getting upset over the fact that everyone else around me seems to be getting love right except for me. I’m tired of only seeing myself as dating material and not marriage material or even at least girlfriend material.
Because here’s the thing that not only I want to believe but whoever needs to hear this: you are worth so much more than that and what you tell yourself. Just because your track record with relationships have seen more failures than good does not mean you are not worthy of a love that is strong and lasting. There will be someone out there who will never hesitate to show you the love and respect you deserve. And I like to believe it’s worth waiting for.
I’m going to see it happen one day. Because as much as I’ve told myself the opposite all these years I need to know now that it’s possible.
I hope you do too.
Most likely writing in my journals or notes in my phone, burying my face in a book, at a concert, laughing or eating fries. Recent college graduate with a ridiculous dream of wanting to write for a living.