I want to say I’m writing this in this moment right now, content and happy. But if I’m being honest, I’m feeling completely run-down and exhausted. And you know what? That’s okay.
It’s okay to not always feel your best. Believe me, I have plenty of days where doing even one thing on my list is an accomplishment. So this got me thinking: if I can be happy with doing sometimes just the bare minimum to get through why can’t others feel as good doing that too?
I think a lot of people, myself included, have had a hard time coming to terms with things. Especially with the way things have been lately, I’ve come to learn that things are not only unpredictable but uncertain.
I used to have this mindset that I had to be “on” all the time. Meaning, I had to always be doing something and keeping myself busy to feel this inner fulfillment. But to be honest, all it did was make me hate myself. I would give my all to so many things and people, that I forgot who needed it the most: myself.
So, I want to be kinder to myself this year. I want to finally set myself for good intentions and not bad failures I could’ve staggered away from. I want to believe myself when I say what I’m truly worthy and capable of instead of doubting it. And I’m starting to do just that.
I eat what I want and no longer feel the need to go on the scale every single time I eat something. If my jeans don’t fit or my shirts are too snug then I’ll buy a new wardrobe that better suits my body.
I deleted numbers from people who no longer serve a purpose in my life. I may not have gotten my closure and they instead feel some sort of validation to haunt me at any given time. But at least now I won’t give in to their same old ways.
I got rid of my dating apps last November and I still feel no need to bring them back. I know I’m deserving of a better love that what I dreamed up in my head with all the others I allowed into my life for much longer than they should have been invited. But I still have hope I’ll find someone good and that’s enough to keep going forward.
I’m starting to use my voice more. No longer is it being kept hidden to the point where my words are nothing but quiet whispers scratching to come out.
I’m dressing and doing what I want. I got so caught up with wanting to be a perfect image for someone else. But when you stop and realize that the only person that matters how you look and act is yourself you’ll be a lot happier.
I’m trying so hard to be happy, and I want to believe that I’ll get there one day. I know this past year for everyone was not easy. We all had our different ways of coping and just barely getting through. But I survived this year and I may have come out with some bruises and scars, but I did it.
I’m taking better care of myself. When my drinking got out of hand I decided to do a dry January. When my depression gets bad I allow myself to ween it out not suffer the consequences of shying it away. Because how can you expect others to notice something wrong with you when you need help when you can’t admit it to yourself first?
I hope this year will be easier for you. I can’t ask for miracles, I know they don’t exist, especially overnight ones. But just know that if you continue to wake up everyday and keep going, I’m so proud of you.
Most likely writing in my journals or notes in my phone, burying my face in a book, at a concert, laughing or eating fries. Recent college graduate with a ridiculous dream of wanting to write for a living.