I want to be honest with you. Because I think if I’m not telling you exactly how I feel and just brush it off or put on a facade to fit a certain appeal to others than it’s not being real. And I don’t want to do that to you.
I’ve been sitting in my chair, staring at a blank screen for a long time. It’s not that I don’t have the words to put down and say, it’s that I have too much and don’t even know where to begin.
Do you ever feel like you’re living in someone else’s bubble? That the way you come off and express yourself is due to the fact that someone else has a hold on you. Maybe you don’t even realize it’s happening. You live your life to please others and I’ve been doing it for so long that I don’t really know who I’m supposed to be.
Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m living in a rut. That I’m continuously circling around this same small space that isn’t getting any wider, only deeper. And I’m afraid that the more I keep going the less I’ll be able to climb my way back up to the surface. It’s become the same routine for me every single day where I feel like if I get off that path I’ll spiral.
I think the hardest question I’ve ever been asked in my life is, “Are you happy?” Now, I can give so many different answers to that because it tends to change all the time. Sometimes I can have days where nothing can go wrong and I feel like the universe is on my side. And then I have other days that seem like they’re endless and the road to get through them is so far away it’s impossible to get to.
I won’t lie and say this year has taken a toll on me for the worse rather than better. I’ve had plenty of times where I’ve asked myself if it’s even worth continuing to the next day. Times when I’ll lay in bed and cry because I have to ask myself, “What’s the point?” And then I feel selfish for thinking that when I realize that so many people have it worse than I do.
I always used to think that happiness was something you received. Like a present for your birthday or Christmas, having someone say those three words to you that only turned out to be temporary, getting a trophy or medal for winning the championship. But all those do for you is continue to make you believe that you can’t be happy unless you’re doing the most you can do until it ultimately breaks you.
I spent so long trying to please others. To be a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend, a good player, a good girlfriend. I did that and all it got me was nowhere. Because I did so much for others that I lost the person I used to be. And in the end I wounded up alone with my hands tied behind my back and tape across my mouth. I lost who I was because I put so much of myself into others thinking it would be enough.
It took so long for me to regain the person I used to be before everything took over. And even now when I’m far past all of it, I still have days where I feel like I’m not living for myself. As if I still need the approval of others in order to keep going.
But I don’t wanted to pretend anymore. I’m so sick of being fake happy, it’s more work than being genuinely happy. I want to know how it feels to have a smile on my face that isn’t fabricated and is there just because I felt like it. I want to know how it feels to live a life where it’s not miserable to wake up to everyday. I want to finally get out of that rut and on a new and better path.
I don’t know when it will happen, but I know I’m getting closer to it. I can feel it.
So, if you need a sign that it’ll get better, I hope this was it for you.
Most likely writing in my journals or notes in my phone, burying my face in a book, at a concert, laughing or eating fries. Recent college graduate with a ridiculous dream of wanting to write for a living.