I waited by the phone a few days ago. Because that’s what I do when you say you’re free for me to come by. I sit and I wait until the message comes up and before I know it I’m getting in my car, driving to your place for one thing and one thing only. I don’t need to spell it out.
Do you know that you’re hurting me? That every time another day and week goes by without hearing from you a little piece of my heart breaks off. I shouldn’t be doing this, but I was never good at letting you go.
I hate you. I hate you so much. For once again getting my hopes up for something I know is nothing more than mixed feelings shared between the sheets with no one fully satisfied.
I don’t want to do this anymore, I try to tell myself. It’s been over seven months of this. Of being your secret. Am I a disgrace to you? Was I only ever good for one thing?
I don’t blame you for it all, I’m just as much to blame. When I saw you sitting at the bar I knew I could convince you to it. I set myself up for heartbreak once again and the worst part of it all is I saw it coming, I allowed myself to let it happen, and I could’ve prevented it.
I could’ve walked away. Taken our relationship we once had and put it as far away as possible in the back of my mind and forget you.
But how do you forget someone you can’t stop thinking about? The person you spent all your nights with sleeping next to you. Whose face you can still picture clear as day in your head. Whose laugh you can still hear that keeps you up in the middle of the night. Whose soul-crushing words he used to break your heart still ring in your head with every chance they can get.
I wish I never started this, because you warned me from the beginning it would be nothing more than this. And I went along with it still believing I could change your mind. Now all I feel like is a fool.
I don’t know how you do it. How you can continue on in your everyday life with me included as just your extracurricular activity every so often. I don’t know how I didn’t catch onto it before. Maybe because I was too naive.
You made me feel like a terrible, horrible person. For doing this with you even when I’ve been seeing someone. I try to tell myself that it doesn’t hurt someone when they don’t know about it. The fact that I can go from him to you in one day used to make me feel powerful and in control. Now it just makes me feel dirty and sad. I know I don’t deserve him, knew that first few times we were doing this. But I want a chance to make things right.
You see, as crazy as this all has been, I still wish you well. I still think that you’re going to do great things in life. We get along better when we do this, I feel like I’ve grown as a person just as much as you have.
There was never any hard feelings, we did things we both regret, and it makes me happy to see you doing well.
But I think it’d be better to cheer you on from a distance for now on. Because I’m sick and tired of feeling the need to rely on you. I don’t want to get my heart broken twice by you, I could barely handle it the first time.
So, this needs to end.
Please stop messaging me back, it may hurt me at first, but you’ll be saving me in the long run.
Can you do that for me?
Most likely writing in my journals or notes in my phone, burying my face in a book, at a concert, laughing or eating fries. Recent college graduate with a ridiculous dream of wanting to write for a living.